too wet

Posted: September 26th, 2011 | No Comments »

feeling so weird! don’t know why! pressure on ribcage and eyes! CAN’T EXPLAIN IT! this weekend was me and ross’s one-year anniversary. we didn’t do anything, but who cares right? what is a one-year anniversary marking anyway? the first time we hooked up? is that what we’re commemorating (or the thing that i’m weirdly honoring in my own heart)? although what else is there to commemorate. the first time i helplessly squeaked out “i love you” and covered up his mouth? or the time he said it back? now we don’t even say “i love you.” so would be a weird marker. and what does it even mean to say it? every day is an i love you with arms and sweetness. what do the words matter? do they matter? DO THE WORDS MATTER.

NOTE TO THERAPIST: WE WILL BE DISCUSSING THIS IN THERAPY TODAY AFTER OUR WEIRD TONAL SOUND SESSION.

after telling courtney that i was feeling sad about not recognizing the “anniversary,” she told me to just tell him, and so i did, this morning, i was like, “i kind of care that we’ve been together a year,” and he was sweet and asked how we should celebrate it and i was like, “with bear hugs,” and he was like, “12 months of bliss.” was he being facetious? because even though it’s been ups and downs and me is a wet crier with too many smushed emotions and fears it has actually been 12 months of bliss. real life bliss.



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