Posted: December 5th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »

i was thinking about how we could avoid this aging nightmare, and had a dark thought — forced euthanasia? i know it’s terribly dark and dystopian but like — if — maybe starting at 76? you weren’t hitting certain benchmarks? ok ok it sounds too dark and fascist and etc etc but — there has to be a better way. OR MAYBE THERE IS NO BETTER WAY AND THAT IS THE HORROR OF MODERN LIFE (ALL LIFE)

a sad truth

Posted: December 5th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »

everyone knows that i’m going through this wretched period (depressing), and one of our patrons said today, well, everyone goes through it (true/depressing). but can’t we change how the world operates so this isn’t the norm for everyone? i am honestly torn to shreds every day and everyone goes through this? it’s not right! can’t we make this better? independence is such total bullshit. again i wonder — what does the universe want? and then think — it doesn’t want anything! it just wants us all to go through this horrible hell — for what?? FOR NOTHING

things i accomplished this weekend (not much)

Posted: December 4th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »
  • texted with caretakers and doctors
  • agonized
  • gave myself stress headaches
  • watched may december, though interrupted by urgent mom falling texts
  • got my phone’s internet tabs down to 17!!!!!! HUGE (was at 61)
  • watched a lot of brooklyn 99 [television valium]
  • finished assisted living’s 78-page intake forms
  • ETC

what does god want

Posted: December 4th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »

was walking today and thinking about the sad trajectory of my mom’s life and this especially fragile time and i just wondered, what does god want? (but what is god) (perhaps better question — what does universe want? but then, right, a universe can’t want anything, so then it’s back to zero and there is no god and no divine anything and dumb welcome to philosophy 101 grapplings). anyway, but still — just to follow this a little ways — does it want us to live perfect lives and not drink and stay healthy and help our communities until we die in a natural way? but what is natural. is there a prescribed way of living that might help avoid pain and spread goodness? ARE THERE ANY ANSWERS ANYWHERE.

its abuses, voluptuous folds, and unfulfilled lives

Posted: December 3rd, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »

one more tidbit from photographer larry fink’s obituary:

Mr. Fink was a Brooklyn-born lefty whose early work, in the late 1950s, chronicled the second-generation Beats who were his cohort in the East Village, where he lived for a time, along with the jazz musicians he adored (he played the harmonica) and the protagonists of the civil rights and antiwar movements.

But in the early 1970s he turned to overt social commentary, infiltrating the society benefits, debutante parties and watering holes of Manhattan’s privileged tribes and their hangers-on. He was fueled, he once wrote, both by curiosity and by his own rage at the privileged class — “its abuses, voluptuous folds, and unfulfilled lives.”

all of a sudden we were boiling away

Posted: December 3rd, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »
Martha Posner and Larry Fink, at their secluded farm in Marshall’s Creek, Pa., where they were married. Credit: Jane Therese for The New York Times

reading the obituary for photographer larry fink (brother to lawyer elizabeth fink), which led me to an incredible article about his marriage to artist martha posner:

Six months after they met, she moved onto his farm, not certain how things would work out. ”It wasn’t love at first sight,” she said. ”It wasn’t even a slow burn. It was just a simmer, and then all of a sudden we were boiling away.”

Now they can often be found soaking in their hot tub, planting flower gardens, looking at each other’s work, dancing on the porch or arguing. Mr. Fink, who has been divorced twice, describes their relationship as ”contentious but harmonic.” [ED NOTE: lol / relate]

For their contentious periods, he built her a cabin. ”I have my own little house here, which is always good for relationships,” Ms. Posner said. ”Sometimes, I just need to chill and dance around to Santana.”

loves/dislikes (the boring edition)

Posted: November 29th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »


  • shallots
  • pavlova, the best dessert of all time forever


  • wet cuffs (like when you’re washing your face and wearing a long sleeve shirt and the water drips into your cuff) (this sounds much too specific now that i’m saying it out loud)

last night i had to stay at work late-ish and do some stuff cuz my brain is like — in the clouds (but not in a fun way) — but then i read about this recipe and decided to make it once i got home, which was majorly ambitious and very unlike me. what other boring stuff can i tell you. A LOT!!!! STAY TUNED!!!!

stress level — HIGH

Posted: November 27th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »

all day had to deal with mom stuff (order groceries, schedule movers, email with her dr, text all the caretakers, etc) while at work and came home with a neck stress ache. hard to juggle work and all that. not doing a good job, to be honest. ross convinced me to eat some dinner in the other room, so left my phone charging, and came back to find four missed calls + texts from mom’s caretakers. i know it’s not forever but this is definitely taking years off my life. thank god for blogs, heating pads, pavlova, savings accounts, blankets, etc.

sidenote — ross lost his wedding ring today, should i be concerned, PART TWO

they’re my little babies

Posted: November 27th, 2023 | Tags: | No Comments »

many gems from genius andrew kuo’s “what i can’t live without”:

Williams Sonoma Classic Stripe Dishcloths
These dishcloths are aesthetically really beautiful. I have them in green, blue, and red, but I like the classic look of the red. I like to have a stack of them in a drawer and [have them] thrown about the kitchen when I’m cooking. My wife thinks I’m a little crazy for sure, because she’ll wipe up her coffee and I’m like, “You’re going to stain them!” and she says, “Isn’t this what they’re for?” Which is correct, but they’re my little babies. They get softer and softer as you wash them.

Apple 3.5mm Headphone Jack Adapter

I hate Apple earbuds. I think they look stupid and everyone loses them. So instead, I use this dongle with my iPhone. I do a lot of listening to music and podcasts, and I have $10 headphones that break every month, and I just buy another pair. I almost use this dongle with pride because I hate the Apple AirPod design so much. They kind of look like jewelry a little bit, and it gets me really confused, and there’s just so much unnecessary technology with the AirPods that the simplicity of just having analog headphones in my ears feels like a good auditory life.

slice-of-life: i also hate airpods!!!!

bad things about me

Posted: November 26th, 2023 | Tags: | 1 Comment »
  • don’t really love hiking
  • maybe also not SUPER into nature
  • not that chill
  • hair full of split ends!
  • indecisive
  • perfectionist
  • worry A LOT
  • hate the phrase/ethos “quiet luxury”

sidenote: ross thinks i would make a good nun (“because you like to go to bed early”), should this concern me. also i watched the firm last night and it was a good watch but jeanne tripplehorn is so syrupy and the music is so heavy handed. sydney pollack is great, but he doesn’t exactly have a light musical touch (see tootsie). but holly hunter is amazing and tom gives his all, as usual.