and wouldn’t you know it, another poem

from “brokeheart” by patrick rosal:

“Just like that, I’m water.
Just like that, I’m the boat.
Just like that, I’m both things in the whole world
rocking. Sometimes sadness is just
what comes between the dancing. And bam!,
my mother’s dead and, bam!, my brother’s
children are laughing.”

and ok another!!!!

and also a good poem

“wish you were here you are” by rachel zucker

“last night I saw my son’s adult self &
in the same moment toddler self this really
happened he was playing “Wish You Were Here”
by Pink Floyd on his electric guitar & feeling it”

swirly whirly inside

ok lots to cover including an awesome too-short trip to austin (raise a glass) (more on that later, MAYBE) but the thing that is echoing in my brain today is how can someone be here one day and then just…gone? i gave ross my mom’s laptop, but i haven’t wiped it yet (dragging my feet on most everything), and he asked if i could, and then we were on a rathole journey with her apple id and codes sent to her phone so we had to quit (for today). it’s just so abstract and strange that someone is here and then they are not and they leave behind all these memories and THINGS. i don’t miss my mom exactly, but i think about her constantly. it’s so strange — that she’s gone. anyway, unrelated/related, a good poem.

another style icon

this 100-year-old guy!!!

i can’t stand the rain

no. 37

you’re an old king from some vanquished country

bob dylan’s thoughts on being 80:

The best thing
The best thing about being 80 is that you outlive the clocks that have been chasing you. It’s freedom from that lie that anything was ever under control. You don’t chase the parade anymore. You’re an old king from some vanished country. You’re harder to program. You’re not rushing to become anything and you’re not haunted by things that you did. You’re haunted by how little of it really mattered in the way you thought it would.

what i love about this is that it’s not ACTUALLY the best thing, i mean, there are good things in his statement (freedom, not chasing the parade), but also bittersweet things (“you’re haunted by how little of it really mattered in the way you thought it would”). being 80 probably is mostly bittersweet. so much loss, so much of everything.

quesadillas etc

BORING STUFF:

• kid cafe is over, hallelujah! it’s the best thing i do BY FAR but let me be real it’s hard as hell
• we made bean and cheese quesadillas in kid cafe, which i’m not sure i’ve ever really eaten? is it possible? but with pickled jalapenos and salsa, they hit the spot (had for dinner thursday night and again saturday) (lotta leftovers) (might be eating quesadillas for the rest of my life)
• went out to dinner with my friend and we skittered over a few topics that are staying in my mind: how most of us live small lives (vs billionaire lives), how do we make ~rich~ small lives, public vs. private schools, million dollar homes, breakdowns, the sustainability of jobs that ask a lot, what is a meaningful life, etc etc. just the normal stuff, right. obviously came to no conclusions
• also my amazing therapist rick came to see me at the library on a road trip through town. i’d never met him and it was so honestly cool, i don’t know why, just tender and cool, like finally meeting a pen pal. or like an uncle you’d never met but who was a faraway guide for your life.
• feel like my general thing these days is just swallowing feelings, trying to err on the kind side, just take it in and ride it and accept it, which i’m theoretically big into, but sometimes on the flip side it can be extremely irritating
• also irritating — shrugs and shrug vibes
• also also irritating: EGOS (or really just my own?)
• not irritating — this beaver screenshot, which i stole from someone’s instagram story, it’s so so cute, like a disney beaver
  

chewie

bodies

ok so my feet ARE growing or my arches are falling because my foot is now A FIRM size 11, if not an 11.5, and it honestly DOES bum be out because where are the cutie shoes for the big-footed ladies among us? thank goodness for margaux and loeffler randall but man what the hell? in other body news, i’ve been on this headache diet for a month or so — no caffeine, no nuts, no chocolate, no aged cheese, no bananas, and loads of other dumb things (though i CAN have ice cream and whipped cream and pasta and plain chips, so it is tolerable). but meanwhile i have been doing this new pilates workout and so i’m like, i think my body is changing! but actually no, nothing is changing lol. i have always thought that i have reverse body dysmorphia, because i always think i look all right, but then i see a photo and i’m like WAIT WHAT THE HELL. also had a trantrum this morning about ross leaving and preparing for kid cafe and all the folks coming over tonight amidst all the chaos, so brain is a little FRITZY right now, can we chalk it all up that.