how I am feeling right now — always be patient and gentle and kind with anyone you care about — with everyone actually? — and always treat your last words like they really are the last. last time mom and I talked was Friday morning — we were going over her day’s schedule. it was so short, she was cheerful. But I was at work and what did I even say that was loving. Can’t remember. Why couldn’t I take the time, I wonder.
overwhelmed by kindness from everyone. we got mom moved to hospice last night, and it’s infinite better than the hospital. so much more peaceful. they gave her a bath as soon as we got here, which was such a kindness (i sort of feel like hospitals should be like hospice but i know it’s not realistic). i’m sitting with mom now, playing willie nelson, and i put some lavender balm on her feet. teddy came to visit and barked a bunch, so it was just like old times.
hard stuff these days, but bright spots: having enough money; my kind friends; people’s kindness making me cry; walking in Houston; eating carrabas takeout and watching the beautiful PERFECT DAYS last night with my dad, stepmom, and brother (btw it stars the amazing Kōji Yakusho, who was in THE EEL, a movie I loved when I saw it in 1997 [at the four star?] — just watched the trailer, and it looks so intense now, but maybe it’s my birthday film this year).
got a little fat these past few months, most of my pants are TIGHT. i’m not sure how it happened (lots of muffins, ice cream, cookie dough, not working out, not walking to work), but i’m back on my regimen now, so hopefully things will settle down. but wow wouldn’t it be great if i could just eat coffee cake and ice cream all the live long day and not worry.
i’ve been getting so many newsletters about $200,000 facelifts and ozempic and 30-year-old billionaires and meanwhile i’m reading the news about gaza and ukraine and the assault on science and all of it feels pretty dystopian. like we’re just like the old days and no one’s more aware or more conscious now, in fact we’re actually worse? i guess i’m just saying, maybe it’s our curse as humans, to never really get more enlightened, in a real way.
in anticipation of the latest mission: impossible, we watched all of the previous movies (#1-7) and until 6 and 7, i found the series strangely moving, like seeing tom cruise age, like he was our hardcore, traumatized friend, and we were checking in on him every few years, kind of like those 7 Up movies. #6 and #7 are too hectic, basically just insane action sequences strung together with the lightest evil plot, but still…it was a journey i enjoyed.
mom fell twice this morning, she’s on her way to the trauma E/R. i jinxed myself because just yesterday someone asked me how she was and i was like, “she hasn’t been in the hospital since late february, she’s great!”