so, some heartbreak

things:

• bought some conditioner and an $11.99 neck massager in my quest to wipe away sorrow via retail
• keep looking at pictures of clyde thinking it will make me feel better, but they just immediately make me cry
• feeling a lot of regret, about how i wasn’t as sensitive or as thoughtful when friends lost their pets. i’m glad age teaches you things, but does it always have to have the sting of remorse?

memory lane

my sweet little clyde

will miss him every day.

it’s mostly all awesome, isn’t it

trying to write my school assignment, speaking sweet words to clyde, drinking white wine, reviewing  old iphone photos, and basically — it’s mostly all awesome, isn’t it? even the bad stuff.

red heeler puppies

so noble, so blustery

three dogs walking to lauryn hill

digging this

maryam nassir zadeh, fall 2019

on death, dying

NOTE: IF YOU DON’T LOVE DOGS OR DRAWN OUT STORIES ABOUT THEIR HEALTH, YOU MAY WANNA SKIP

supposed to be working on my school assignment but only can think about clyde. he’s skin and bones, not eating except for the tiniest bits. mostly he sniffs food offerings (turkey, ham, spaghetti, hot dogs!), then turns away. heartbreaker. though he will still bark at strangers. last night we took frankie to van’s to give clyde some peace, and then took clyde to el cosmico for a solo excursion, which he seemed happy about, but almost immediately he laid down in a sad way, and threw up (twice). we brought him home and cuddled with him and thought maybe it was the end. at 6am we got up out of worry and anxiety (actually ross got up but then clyde and i cuddled in bed) (every moment important), but then as the morning wore on, clyde seemed less sad and more ear-perky, so another day together. ross says he doesn’t want to “walk” a dog into the vet’s to put him to sleep, which i get, but also who wants to just LIVE for living’s sake? clyde doesn’t want to eat pizza crusts (his favorite food), and i feel like — what’s the point? where’s his joy? i think i’m putting my own (strong) feelings about living and dying on clyde and how i don’t want to be a burden to anyone, i don’t want to not be myself, i don’t want to be crumbling, when it comes time. i’ve always believed in euthanasia and said dead by 74 though that’s my mom’s age so obviously it gets complicated. maybe dead by 78. or dead by 80. anyway, it’s complicated. the life force is strong despite the realities. but are we keeping him alive for him or for us?

ps i totally retail therapy-ied the other day, and bought some new high-waisted unders (two pair) (one off amazon, ugh, but it was called “Ahh By Rhonda Shear”); bath salts for my sister and anthony; new little shorts for baby townes; and i want to buy this for carolyn (I’M GONNA). my mom also sent me some xkarla crop tees out of the blue because she knew that i wore the one she gave me for my birthday FIVE TIMES IN A ROW (clearly no hang ups about cleanliness) and just getting that made me break up a little.

other things:

• i like beto, i don’t support his run for president, but i thought it was brave as hell in the debate when he was like, hell yeah we’re going to take your AK-47s!
• i watched this video on vox about gun licensing and i was wondering: if greg hadn’t had his granddad’s gun, would he have made a different choice? (kind of not related but just thinking about gun access, and how access really makes all the difference)
• i also listened to this interview with andrew yang on the daily and i know he’s kind of a nut and that sweepstakes thing is nutty, but he had surprisingly meaningful ideas and a surprisingly genuine and thoughtful perspective
• my friend britney just dropped off flowers and wine because she heard about clyde’s decline and of course it made me spill mad tears. people can be so beautiful.

good stamp

bought these the other day, along with these, and these (big spender). sometimes i can’t believe cool things like this keep happening in the world. like — there’s still a part of the USPS dedicated to making beautiful and meaningful stamps.

kinda think this guy looks a bit joyful