my interior vibe (ideally)

siesta bone

shopping for orthopedic shoes and what — an evocative name

things i’m worrying about at 4am

• do people with kids think that people without kids are less than, in their heart of hearts? if you asked, i’m sure they would say “Oh no, no way” but in their hearts — do they? i think some do. my sister gives me shade every now and again and i think she just thinks i’m sort of…useless in the bigger scheme? like i don’t have kids and i can’t even do XYZ. like she has kids and is a super human managing a company her family her house and is amazing and i’m just a librarian with nothing to do and can’t even order cookies for our sister while i’m at work. but this is maybe my own insanity talking.
• why is the back of my eye hurting these past few weeks, should i get it checked out, if so who do i see? and where do i go and ahhhhhh
• how do i find an amazing or at least decent PCP in austin
• how do i manage everything at work gracefully while we’re short staffed
• linda and her doctor visit
• why is work so much harder this summer/year? [more activities, more high stakes grants, less staff?]
• how do you do a job for a long time and NOT grow, but be ok with that? like how do you stay still and still be excellent? seems like an oxymoron but help me see that it’s not
• managing contractors [construction and otherwise] is hell
• how do you go up to a certain level and then go back down to something more sustainable
• my eye whyyyy is it hurting
• storytime
• when can i take a vacation longer than 2 days
• what do we do with the dogs if we want to go away, who can we hire, does it even work, will teddy go insane and poop all over the house
• why is some poetry so UGH
• aging
• aging gracefully
• dementia, please don’t let me have it and if i do, please take me to a state where i can end my life humanely
• the universe, the meaning of life, what’s it all about, how do we keep moving forward amidst it all

we started watching the sheep detectives last night and it was honestly just what my stressed brain needed (though we had to stop 41 minutes in because i was falling asleep). gotta work on my sleep again. teddy has been taking up a LOT of room on the bed and it’s not easy. i feel for him because that’s how he lived his life for 10 years and he moves here and he has to sleep on the ground, i don’t think so? but also maybe i think so. ok off to do baby pilates.

and wouldn’t you know it, another poem

from “brokeheart” by patrick rosal:

“Just like that, I’m water.
Just like that, I’m the boat.
Just like that, I’m both things in the whole world
rocking. Sometimes sadness is just
what comes between the dancing. And bam!,
my mother’s dead and, bam!, my brother’s
children are laughing.”

and ok another!!!!

and also a good poem

“wish you were here you are” by rachel zucker

“last night I saw my son’s adult self &
in the same moment toddler self this really
happened he was playing “Wish You Were Here”
by Pink Floyd on his electric guitar & feeling it”

swirly whirly inside

ok lots to cover including an awesome too-short trip to austin (raise a glass) (more on that later, MAYBE) but the thing that is echoing in my brain today is how can someone be here one day and then just…gone? i gave ross my mom’s laptop, but i haven’t wiped it yet (dragging my feet on most everything), and he asked if i could, and then we were on a rathole journey with her apple id and codes sent to her phone so we had to quit (for today). it’s just so abstract and strange that someone is here and then they are not and they leave behind all these memories and THINGS. i don’t miss my mom exactly, but i think about her constantly. it’s so strange — that she’s gone. anyway, unrelated/related, a good poem.

another style icon

this 100-year-old guy!!!

i can’t stand the rain

no. 37

you’re an old king from some vanquished country

bob dylan’s thoughts on being 80:

The best thing
The best thing about being 80 is that you outlive the clocks that have been chasing you. It’s freedom from that lie that anything was ever under control. You don’t chase the parade anymore. You’re an old king from some vanished country. You’re harder to program. You’re not rushing to become anything and you’re not haunted by things that you did. You’re haunted by how little of it really mattered in the way you thought it would.

what i love about this is that it’s not ACTUALLY the best thing, i mean, there are good things in his statement (freedom, not chasing the parade), but also bittersweet things (“you’re haunted by how little of it really mattered in the way you thought it would”). being 80 probably is mostly bittersweet. so much loss, so much of everything.