woke up to the new pornographers song “challengers,” which
is such a sad song and made me lie there in the dark and listen to
the words (whatever the mess you are, you’re
mine), while my mind raced in the background. racing
mind was all because i talked to crush #2 for an hour last night
(!) and did some things i’m not proud of during the conversation
(briefly mentioned two exes; and that i’d run into this guy LATE
one night and he wanted to see my house and ended up coming over
for a second). i know those things are harmless-ish on paper, but
it reflects a growing intimacy AND my desire to appear “worthy”
(i.e., desired by other men) (a bad habit of mine, which comes out
when i feel insecure). and then right after i got off the phone, i
got an email from alexa about her life and hazel and my psychic
ability and how she’d finally met brendan, who i never think about
anymore, because you have to let old crushes live their lives and
be happy and just give those things up, because crushes are fantasy
land, and your real life is where you are. which all made me
terribly emo, so i had to listen to the new year’s “folios” on
repeat for awhile:
i don’t think the good years i’ve got can wait so what are we staying
for so what are we staying for
so crush #2: what to do? how do i scale it back? despite my best efforts, i’m sort of
too open to him. just an exposed nerve ready for pinching. i want
to have open eyes and an open heart and risk the shiz out of shiz,
which is why i fundamentally feel maybe crush #2 is the wrong guy
for me. because he’s so guarded. he texts me every day, but
somewhat ordinary things about his lunch, or things like “ur
nice.” last night he closed the call by saying he was sending me a
cheek kiss across the distance. very sweet, but…not exactly a
raging river of passion.
UR
NICE. UR NICE. UR NICE. UR NICE.
maybe it’s fine. maybe
it’s amazing. but i need some distance. so my new rules:
build steel girder around my heart.
no more late-night phone calls.(<– ed.
note: already failed.)
no more
texting during the day. (<– ed. note: also
failed.)
who wants to be afraid anymore? it’s so dumb. who even cares. let’s just go for it and go for it and go for it (in a measured way).
by “going for it in a measured way,” i guess i mean, i’m allowed to daydream about someone and get really excited and mushyheaded and let my heart get fluttery, but not abandon all sense and get caught up in ego needs, which can lead me down tortured paths.
IN OTHER NEWS. crush #2 and i talked about screenprinting t-shirts that say, “we do what we want.” which i thought was hilarious at the time. but then i started thinking about crush #2’s reputation around town (i.e., sleeping with tons of girls), and i was like, hmm, “we do what we want” doesn’t seem like the BEST motto for crush #2. maybe something more like, “i’m sorry that i hurt you” is more appropriate.
i was riding my bike, and listening to “you” by george harrison, cheesy sax, somewhat cheesy lyrics, but it just got me, when he says “love” and then just unleashes “yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu” and then sort of it seems like he can’t believe that the other person loves him, too, like it’s a surprise, a delight, a miracle:
I, I love, love
And I, and I love you
Oh you, you, yeah you
And you, you, love, love
And you, yes you, you love me
Yeah you, you, yeah you
and it made me think: do i want to have sex with people who i don’t love anymore? maybe i just want to fall in love and have sex and have it be something real and about things getting deeper and deeper.
i recommending closing your eyes and just listening to the song; the video has a kind of mid-’90s, mighty mighty bosstones feel that makes me want to not watch.
first of all, here is a text message response that makes me feel a little meh:
OK.
sometimes crush #2 defaults to saying “OK” as a response to my many enthusiastic texts, as evidenced by these recent exchanges:
me: LIKE A WILD TIGER
crush #2: Ok
me: ferocious tiger style
crush #2: OK
me: double cheezy b’s yer new nickname. IT’S AWESOME.
crush #2: Ok
me: last day to see the lightning field this year is oct 31. ima make it happen
crush #2: Ok
crush #2, why you scared of being weird and tigerrific? please join me in strange enthusiasm!
SECOND THING.
after working basically every day straight for two months, and never getting a real break, and thereby sort of going crazy and becoming anti-social and feeling like hiding and hating everyone in this town and snapping at my coworkers over where to store the DVD remote (TRUE STORY), i realized that i would probably totally lose my mind if i were famous and being watched and inspected all the time. in other words, i kind of understand why britney spears shaved her head. like, HUMANS I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU AND IMA ABOUT TO DO SOME CRAZY SHIT.
so this weekend is chinati weekend, which means crazy events and tons of people, starting last night, it’s sort of like the sxsw of marfa, but i had this total shutdown last night, where i didn’t want to see anyone and i was hating everything and hating small towns and people being less than bighearted and just wanting to escape from everything. i was supposed to go to all these art events, but all i wanted to do was hide. well, what i really wanted to do was go to the art events, but be a different person, a stranger, so i wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. i tried to go to the laundromat to do internet, but STILL there were friends there, so i just went home and listened to bruce springsteen very very loud and drew on my arms and tried to work it all out. i don’t know, man. i thought small towns were all about support and kindness, but turns out they’re also about cattiness and smiling-while-saying-mean-things.
