at the laundromat

fact: fur hoods look good on EVERYONE (question mark?)

miss you already

my “risk it” buttons arrived. i think i love them? not sure. think so. no one else has really flipped for them, but i’m trying to stay loyal to my vision. here are two slightly awkward pictures of them on my tote bag.

i have 96 extra buttons, so if you want one [18], please to email me.

tiny dancer

today i feel super mellow. i stayed at work late late last night, working on the world’s most boring project (revising the minutes from our board meeting) (tedious and BORING) (with a triple capital T and a triple capital B), but it felt good to work hard again. i like working hard. all my self-worth comes from hard work.

anyway, today, i feel mellow, and also hard-working. and also i’m drinking a red-eye, which is a cup of coffee with a shot of espresso in it. meet the new me. she has brown teeth.

question: is elton john actually solid gold? “tiny dancer” is a really weird song, but it gives me the chills every time. so does “rocketman.”

ENTER GROOVESHARK ELTON JOHN DOUBLESHOT.

i think maybe my romance with crush #2 is waning. or not waning. but chilling out. because how can it not? he doesn’t even live here. and we have no plans to see each other for the next month. we talked on the phone sunday night for an hour, but i was in kind of a weird mood, since i’d just gotten that tongue lashing, and i just didn’t feel relaxed, i felt sad, and then yesterday we did some texting, which was fun and funny…but…well…i guess it doesn’t really sound like it’s waning.

and maybe i should just be patient. actually that’s my worst habit, especially in relationships: impatience. i have no patience for things growing and being slow. 2010, i’m learning how to relax and roll with it. and have faith.

modesty, patience

my goals for today: modesty, patience, gentleness, quiet integrity. i got really worked up last night because my friend came over and crush #2 came up, and basically, BASICALLY, she was like, he’s totally playing you, and he’s done this exact same thing before, and you’re an idiot (a nice idiot). it bummed me out immeasurably.

1. because what the fuck?! WTF?
2. yes, people make mistakes. and yes, they often repeat the same mistakes. but people ALSO make the same mistakes because they’re hurt and trying to figure something out. and things change. and not every situation is a replica of another one. i’m not going to be egotistical enough to say i’m different and specialer, but…aren’t i?
3. mostly i’m just driven bananas by the idea of CAUTION. be smart, don’t play with fire, don’t tease animals, don’t hang out with racists, but trying something…that feels awesome…how can i not do it? should i ignore my own feelings? ignore the first gentle real thing that’s happened to me in a long time? because something painful might happen?

no way. i’m going to just let it float and float and enjoy it and just see what happens. if i get burned, so be it!!!!!!!

EXCLAMATION POINT EXCLAMATION POINT!

survival of the illest

yesterday i wrote a draft post about how even texting with
crush #2 sends me into a tizzy. about how if he calls or messages
me, i totally lose my concentration and have to sit there and
daydream for like, 10 minutes. and my heart starts pounding. and my
breathing gets kind of shallow. and my whole chest cavity gets
warm. we texted a lot yesterday, which basically prevented me from
getting ANY work done. brain was in cloud land for like, 7
hours.

fact #2 about me

I THINK CAMPFIRES ARE KIND OF BORING.

80 drafts later

ridiculous. latest text exchange with crush #2. we are trying to figure out how to see each other before the year ends:

me: no i’ve got it! thanksgiving weekend: don’t leave till MONDAY.
him: what? nice idea. but i need a better one.
him: just cuz i like you.
me: we like each other!!!! (<– ed. note: it took me 30 minutes to write this)
him: nice. i still
have one drink with vance. u sleep well. xoxo. mwa.
me: make vance think of a solution! xo
him: ok

my heart was POUNDING at his “just cuz i like you” text, and then pounded and pounded while i wrote my response. and then that tepid “OK” zooms in and it’s like, oh jeez. WELL WHAT’S DONE IS DONE. in related, non-ironic news, i ordered my “risk it” buttons. and i’m gonna pin them on every GD thing that can be pinned.

by the memory of

from karaj:

“Let’s face it. We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something. If this seems so clearly the case with grief, it is only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. It may be that one wants to, or does, but it may also be that despite one’s best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel.”

—Judith Butler, Undoing Gender

(whether or not one is intact in the first place…)

thank you / i like you, too

on sunday, i accidentally said “i like you, too” to crush #2, über-sincerely, because i thought he’d said “i like you.” but actually what he said was “thank you.” because he’d left his phone at my house and come back to get it and i was there and saw him coming and handed it to him.

him: thank you [for giving me my phone back]

me: i like you, too.

him: what did you say?

me: i said…you’re welcome.

new coat

went to new york, had a blast. bought a new very expensive coat. said aloud, “i’ll never be cold again.” now gauging true friendships/quality of people by those who compliment me on said coat. so far, not a great system, but COMMITTED.