bossman (therapist) sez i have to do some investigating about future of relationship and what R is feeling and not be scared about response. bossman says i have to say i love you and not be scared. scared of what? DUH HIM LEAVING ME AND CONFESSING THAT I’M A TOTAL IDIOT GROSS DUDE.
also i love this, courtesy of jessica hopper. i too do not miss sassy magazine, grunge, MTV, and also wish fugazi were still together (just for the idealism side of things, i’m not nostalgic about rock bands, with the exception of maybe bedhead…but not really), and that liz phair had been more than she was (but not really):
Mostly I miss 25 cent stamps, particular dead people still being alive, the kind of time everyone had before the internet ate it, that people would just stop by your house. No one stops by now. Texting removes effort. I do not miss Sassy Magazine. I do not miss MTV with videos. I don’t miss the grunge revolution, though I wish Liz Phair had made more than one great album and that Fugazi was still together.
feeling so weird! don’t know why! pressure on ribcage and eyes! CAN’T EXPLAIN IT! this weekend was me and ross’s one-year anniversary. we didn’t do anything, but who cares right? what is a one-year anniversary marking anyway? the first time we hooked up? is that what we’re commemorating (or the thing that i’m weirdly honoring in my own heart)? although what else is there to commemorate. the first time i helplessly squeaked out “i love you” and covered up his mouth? or the time he said it back? now we don’t even say “i love you.” so would be a weird marker. and what does it even mean to say it? every day is an i love you with arms and sweetness. what do the words matter? do they matter? DO THE WORDS MATTER.
NOTE TO THERAPIST: WE WILL BE DISCUSSING THIS IN THERAPY TODAY AFTER OUR WEIRD TONAL SOUND SESSION.
after telling courtney that i was feeling sad about not recognizing the “anniversary,” she told me to just tell him, and so i did, this morning, i was like, “i kind of care that we’ve been together a year,” and he was sweet and asked how we should celebrate it and i was like, “with bear hugs,” and he was like, “12 months of bliss.” was he being facetious? because even though it’s been ups and downs and me is a wet crier with too many smushed emotions and fears it has actually been 12 months of bliss. real life bliss.
just had super blowup at work where i YELLED at someone across the room. RADICAL! I’M 37! the scenario: we had a meeting at 11 and two of the people who were supposed to come didn’t show and at 11:20 the other guy in the meeting and i decided to go to the coffee shop to have the meeting, assuming those two weren’t coming (both hadn’t RSVP’d). at noon, we got a call from one of the guys (a contractor), who had arrived at the meeting at 11:30 and was wondering if we could still meet? so we headed back to work. but upon entering BOTH people started getting on our cases about moving the meeting and how our meetings never start on time and how could we leave without letting them know (valid) and then it all just got so stupid and convoluted and somehow i ended up yelling about the law and how not knowing the law is no excuse for not obeying the law and getting a ticket for not stopping at a stop sign is LEGIT, because ignorance is NO EXCUSE, which basically made no sense, and had no relevance, but made me feel VERY justified.
just to summarize: I WAS YELLING ABOUT STOP SIGNS AND THE LAW. awesome. welcome to wednesday.
worst preview. worst title. chumpiest use of tom petty’s “don’t come around here no more.” scarlet johansson saying, “welcome to your zoo.” matt damon saying, “the sellers say you don’t even need any special knowledge to run a zoo, what you need is a lot of heart.” thomas haden church saying, “i like the animals, but i LOVE the humans.” everything designed to be heartwarming, but actually being BLOODCURDLING.
real estate agent: it’s a bit complicated. matt damon: what’s so complicated about this place?
[LION ROAR] real estate agent: it’s a zoo.
cameron you chumped me once with my right-after-the-screening positive rating of jerry maguire (later lowered to NEGATIVE TEN THOUSAND STARS after second viewing), but you will never have me again.
feeling way soft and squishy these days. and by soft and squishy i mean TOTALLY IN LOVE.
forgot about this gem until i was writing a (hack) press release today and wanted to use the phrase “sound and vision” (“over two nights in october, they will explore the alien worlds of khorramian’s paintings through sound and vision”) (HACK). hope someone picks up on the very very very very very very subtle nod to david bowie.
explosions in the sky played last night. basically i wept through the whole thing. (happy weeping.) alexa really captured it when she said their music feels like being alive right now. it also feels like a whole lifetime in one song. like all the trying to be good that stretches across one life. and the failings. but the intention. the actual nobility of being alive in those highs and lows. because always the trying.
that’s what every song sounds like to me.
hence: the weeping.
and then i was thinking about how the last time i saw them, 2003, maybe 2004, and it totally blew me away, and i was living in austin, working at the san jose, and then here i was in 2011, BOOKING the band, hanging out with them, being part of the whole creation. and ross was like, “i thought we should bring explosions here 5 years ago, and then you come and you do it,” and i was like, “but it just sort of happened!” and he was like, “there’s no coincidences” and it just got me feeling choked up. if you think about the trajectory. are there any coincidences? why did i work at the san jose and learn about marfa? and consider moving here? why did i move to new york and then lose faith and take a corporate job with yahoo in san francisco and then die of unhappiness and move to portland to work for nat? and why did that company fail exactly when david beebe offered me a job out of the blue in marfa? and why did i go on a date with casey burns and learn about lee cohen? who then introduced me to ballroom marfa? and then and then and then and then and then.
in the past three days, i’ve had two exciting dreams, where i woke up very light and buoyant and smiley. thursday night i dreamed i found a broom in my house, and i was like, “i own my own broom?!?!?!” and then last night i dreamed that i had my own filson catalog.
love,
a simple person
1. this morning i started this banonkers therapy called EMDR, which uses tones and memory retracing, etc. to reset your brain and make it normal (paraphrase from wikipedia, because i didn’t really listen to my therapist when she explained it). it sounds a little crazy, and it may be a little crazy, as it involves headphones and hearing-test beeps, but i am down for most anything, because i know there are some old hard wounds that have shaped my no-longer-helpful coping skills.
2. today i bought a kegel exercise iphone app (“kegel camp”).
from jessica hopper, who i am quoting a lot these days:
I saw PJ [Pearl Jam] last in 1992 on Lollapalooza and I barely remember it. They certainly weren’t as triumphant as they are now. Majestic. Vedder is so earnest, so straight in his connection to the audience, he’s Springsteenian in that regard, but there is not the rock n’ roll showman part. He’s understated, the anti-rock god rock god and that’s why people love him. It’s impossible not to watch him and eat it up. It feels good to do so. His banter is absolutely corny, like he is 15 and trying to explain why he loves playing music. He is letting that part of him do the talking. Which is awesome and also really funny. More people should do that.
that 15-year-old part of me is always doing the talking, it seems, (especially) when it comes to music. i can only say things like “it’s totally amazing” or “it makes my heart explode” or non-brainy things about how awesome it is and how my soul gets rocked and etc. etc. glad my job is not music journalism. although bad that my job is music director and i have to write press releases describing why you should come to a show (“because it’s gonna be amazing”).
