things i believe in

• real love
• love getting better and better and deeper and deeper and stronger and stronger
• sexiness remaining
• two people making an awesome team together forever

i just believe this. even though i have no parents like this. and everyone says it’s a pipe dream. but i just have this deep-seated belief in it. or maybe it’s a deep-seated hope. like how i believe in kindness. but i have to tell R. i can’t pretend anymore that i’m like, in it for the short-term. like, “oh one year of fun, then we say adios? no problem.” i’m in it for the long term. the deep freeze amazing long term.

OASIS

perfect happiness

Karaoke-ing “Mr. Jones” with Julie.

ron sexsmith?

someone told me to listen to this song, “hard bargain.” who was it. i’ve listened to it 9 times already today. even though it’s a touch too KGSR-y.

love this / still insane

why do i love this. cuz it’s a sparkly lady with pretty hair and things on her eyes. slept about two hours last night. kept trying to calm myself down with, “you’re a river. be a river.” but then me brain would crank up again and river would become raging rapids with a lot of sorrows and drowned people.

grouch family wiki

somehow ended up on the grouch family wiki. incredible:

“Irvine is Oscar’s niece, a baby Grouch. She stayed in Oscar’s trash can while he was away, in episode 2606 of Sesame Street. … She has a tendency to scream and cry very often.”

“Dan Rather-not is a Grouch broadcaster that appeared in a Season 38 insert featuring Anderson Cooper and Walter Cranky. When asked to answer a question, all he ever says is ‘I’d rather not.'”

“Oscar says Grouch babies love to fall asleep to the sound of a good loud argument.”

“Mrs. Grouch lives in Illinois.”

“In this episode he [Donald Grouch] is looking for a Grouch apprentice to help him sort all his trash, some of which the chosen apprentice would get to keep. Oscar, Grundgetta, Omagrossa, Swampy, and even Elmo contended for the job. Elmo won since he did every job correctly, but was instantly fired [for doing everything correctly].”

in other strange news

my hair smells like mayonnaise!!!!!

THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW IN FULL FORCE

this is me the past few days. no joke. picture the most pursed eyebrows. and pursed eyebrows about the DUMBEST things, not like poverty or war but: the messy state of the back office, messy coworkers, people coming into work when we’re closed, the newsletter taking two days to get approved, everyone having an opinion, basically all work related items, still having to strip the bed at work’s rental house, soothing people’s egos, seeing and talking to any human living in marfa, and basically whatever else you can think of.  super grump. super grump plus super worried person. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I LOVE MY JOB AND I LIKE MARFA BUT SOMETIMES I CAN’T DEAL WITH ANYONE.

marfa

came back to marfa from NYC, and basically had an anxiety attack about work (kicked off by the possibility of giving a tour by myself at work on a saturday) (not THAT big of a deal), which i couldn’t shake, which led to the very slightest disconnect from ross, which made me feel lonely, which led to even worse social anxiety at a concert later that night. walked into bar and immediately felt total dread about talking to anyone, which was stuffed with people i knew. had to talk to someone about a possible new job laying pipe (“that could be cool?”) and how much someone’s doc martens hurt her feet (“that sucks”) and why someone hadn’t attended our event in new york (“honestly, it’s no big deal”) and other dumb bullshit. it was like, wow, i live here, in this place, with a billion friends, and none of them are even…that close. we are just talking bullshit. WHAT’S THE POINT. even though sometimes talking bullshit is hilarious fun and i’m like, BEST LIFE EVER. but not this night. instead it made me super lonely and i had to duck out, with tears rolling down my cheeks, and then walk for 1.5 hours and talk to john and listen to “sunday bloody sunday” 18 times at max volume. basically the only U2 song i really know, besides “one,” also awesome, from achtung baby, which i listened to almost exclusively — alternating with andrew lloyd weber’s greatest hits — while writing my college applications (see also: “why i didn’t get into princeton”).

things i bought in new york

1. one large bottle of excedrin