turn in

found this on my calendar for tomorrow’s events. pretty sure it was an unfinished reminder but maybe the universe is also trying to tell me something.

this old heart of mine

good things

• the bourne supremacy on tv at the gym
• the bourne trilogy in general
• not being an assassin
• american apparel bikini tops as bras
• this prop journal page from the bourne supremacy

WHO WAS I? WHO WAS I? WHO WAS I? WHO WAS I?

also:

GAS?

SQUAWK

i just cringe

from roxane gay (bolding my own):

Part of the reason relationships and friendships can be so difficult for me is because there is a part of me that thinks I have to get things just right. I have to say the right things and do the right things or I won’t be liked or loved anymore. It’s stressful so then I engage in an elaborate attempt at being the best friend or girlfriend and get further and further away from who I really am, someone with a good heart, but also someone who may not always get things right. I find myself apologizing for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for, things I am not at all sorry for. I find myself apologizing for who I am.

With age comes self awareness, or something that looks like self awareness and so I try to be on the look out for patterns of behavior, choices I’m making where I’m trying too hard, giving too much, reaching too intently for being right where right is what someone else wants me to be. It’s scary though, trying to be yourself and hoping yourself is enough. It’s scary believing that you, as you are, could ever be enough.

When I look back on so many of my relationships, particularly in my twenties and into my early thirties, I just cringe. There is nothing but humiliation there. I think, “No wonder that relationship didn’t work out.” I see how, in trying to get things right, I was getting things desperately wrong over and over and over again.

i think back on jonathan in portland (i mean, among others: casey; that guy whose name i can’t remember who worked at aalto; dave macdonald) and just feel so embarrassed. like, what was i thinking. jonathan, especially, since i dated him for EIGHT MONTHS, and he wasn’t nice or great or funny or interesting and i just persisted with it. cried when he broke up with me and then took him back when he said he’d made a mistake, even though he hadn’t, we were a terrible match, we were hardly even in the match zone, then went to spain and france to visit him and had silent dinners with him in parisian thai restaurants and on trains to cadaques. the best part of that trip was after we broke up, i remember riding the parisian ferris wheel and feeling so loose and happy and thinking how he would have hated it.

VIEW FROM THE PARISIAN FERRIS WHEEL
(not pictured: freedom, wisdom, growing up, macarons)

married in denim

from roxane gay/autostraddle:

“My parents were not thrilled to hear that their only daughter was gay. My mother made a comment about how she knew because I once told her I wanted to get married in denim.”

APPROVE

i KNEW

from helytimes:

What the guy at the nursery said to me when I bought a book about cactus identification:

Posted: June 23, 2014 | Author: helytimes | Filed under: the California Condition | Leave a comment

I knew someone would want to study the cacti.

coffee

“Coffee” – Sylvan Esso

My new summertime jam?  Possibly.  That is a pretty sick beat.  And am digging that lady’s moves!  I would pay to see her dance with the Future Islands guy.  Although I don’t believe the world is ready for that.

Yet.

Here’s the official video

Electronic duo Sylvan Esso is a collaboration between vocalist Amelia Meath of folk trio Mountain Man, and producer Nick Sanborn, bassist from Megafaun. The project melds Amelia’s confident vocals with the sputtering synths, chopped up samples and hip hop grooves that Nick first explored with his solo project Made of Oak. The duo approach the stage as balanced parts of the equation, performing with such energy that you can be sure they are both having a great time. We invited the band to visit the Wilderness Bureau to record a live session for us, and all had a tough time sitting still during their electric set.

-from WAMU youtube page

(courtesy of earthquake weather)

(random cool fact: mountain man and megafaun have both played for ballroom)

because my life is dope and i do dope things

“…afterwards, we go to the edit — and this is when everyone knew kanye was going to be a star — and we’re watching sketches, we’re like, yeah we could watch some sketches, no one’s ever seen these before. we show him like the rick james sketch and all these great sketches. and in the middle of it, kanye’s phone rings. and he’s like, ‘hello. no. no, i can’t. no, because i’m at the edit for the dave chappelle show, watching sketches that no one’s seen before.’ and then he goes like this, ‘because my life is dope, and i do dope shit.’ and he hung up.”

too bad

too bad, i like comedians in cars getting coffee, it’s like a nice comforting rain storm with famous people and nice cars and coffee.