another good poem

best things about 2023

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

• the marco polo group chat
• all the kids at the library
• the library (though work is complicated due to feelings of failure, inadequacy, etc)
• all my friends
• smoothies, of course
• amadeus wigs with carolyn, caroline, john, nancy
• severance
• the NBA/inside the NBA
• our house, even though it’s chaos
• two lil dog pals
• johnny’s 50th birthday party
• the four seasons in houston
• the plaza in el paso
• houston trees
• RAIN

“CHER”

bought this poster on a whim as a gift and i just love every single detail.

FUN

FUN

FUN

FUN

tentative

my aunt, who helped with mom’s move last week, and was so amazing, told me that i was “so tentative” with everything (“like waiting for people to get out of the elevator”). i didn’t LOVE the feedback tbh and was not necessarily LOOKING for feedback at the end of a couple of grueling days and honestly i was waiting to exit the elevator behind more feeble people (IN MY DEFENSE), but — i do believe in paying attention to feedback. so it did make me think…have i turned into a tentative person? i’m definitely not a bust in and boss everyone but…but maybe that reads as tentative (weak)? anyway another stupid thing to worry about / think about.

20 good things

last week was murder extreme and every day holds new stress (distraught texts from mom: “i’ve got to get out of here”; “if you and ross could get me to a hotel on Friday I will figure out something”) and literally dreading returning next week but let’s focus on some of the good things.

1. the four seasons houston — too expensive but also SO AMAZING. it was elegant and the bed was incredible and downtown felt like a haven and we got to drive along memorial to get places and — no regrets.
2. chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips, made special by linda for me
3. the cheese danishes (!) at the four seasons coffee shop (“bayou & bean”) (🤔)
4. the mint & strawberry water the hotel provided every evening
5. brooklyn 99
6. andre braugher
7. finally getting my hair cut on friday (even though ross told me to cancel, after a year of canceling my appointments, and hair that gets disparaging comments from aunts/mothers — THERE IS LITERALLY NO WAY I WILL BE CANCELING THIS APPOINTMENT)
8. the plaza hotel in el paso
9. eating pancakes at le peep with my mom and aunt
10. watching john early’s special
11. having our little wooden menorah at the library
12. buying my black mesh tank top
13. my rockets christmas sweater
14. ross being patient
15. all the christmas ornaments i got for people
16. opening all the boxes of stuff that i ordered for people and trying to remember what i bought and it was kinda like opening my own presents
17. my new ruffly socks
18. these little dogs
19. having enough money to make this easier
20. having kind friends and family

Dear Toffee Lover

update

i was thinking about how we could avoid this aging nightmare, and had a dark thought — forced euthanasia? i know it’s terribly dark and dystopian but like — if — maybe starting at 76? you weren’t hitting certain benchmarks? ok ok it sounds too dark and fascist and etc etc but — there has to be a better way. OR MAYBE THERE IS NO BETTER WAY AND THAT IS THE HORROR OF MODERN LIFE (ALL LIFE)

a sad truth

everyone knows that i’m going through this wretched period (depressing), and one of our patrons said today, well, everyone goes through it (true/depressing). but can’t we change how the world operates so this isn’t the norm for everyone? i am honestly torn to shreds every day and everyone goes through this? it’s not right! can’t we make this better? independence is such total bullshit. again i wonder — what does the universe want? and then think — it doesn’t want anything! it just wants us all to go through this horrible hell — for what?? FOR NOTHING

things i accomplished this weekend (not much)

• texted with caretakers and doctors
• agonized
• gave myself stress headaches
• watched may december, though interrupted by urgent mom falling texts
• got my phone’s internet tabs down to 17!!!!!! HUGE (was at 61)
• watched a lot of brooklyn 99 [television valium]
• finished assisted living’s 78-page intake forms
• ETC

what does god want

was walking today and thinking about the sad trajectory of my mom’s life and this especially fragile time and i just wondered, what does god want? (but what is god) (perhaps better question — what does universe want? but then, right, a universe can’t want anything, so then it’s back to zero and there is no god and no divine anything and dumb welcome to philosophy 101 grapplings). anyway, but still — just to follow this a little ways — does it want us to live perfect lives and not drink and stay healthy and help our communities until we die in a natural way? but what is natural. is there a prescribed way of living that might help avoid pain and spread goodness? ARE THERE ANY ANSWERS ANYWHERE.