things i’m worrying about at 4am

• do people with kids think that people without kids are less than, in their heart of hearts? if you asked, i’m sure they would say “Oh no, no way” but in their hearts — do they? i think some do. my sister gives me shade every now and again and i think she just thinks i’m sort of…useless in the bigger scheme? like i don’t have kids and i can’t even do XYZ. like she has kids and is a super human managing a company her family her house and is amazing and i’m just a librarian with nothing to do and can’t even order cookies for our sister while i’m at work. but this is maybe my own insanity talking.
• why is the back of my eye hurting these past few weeks, should i get it checked out, if so who do i see? and where do i go and ahhhhhh
• how do i find an amazing or at least decent PCP in austin
• how do i manage everything at work gracefully while we’re short staffed
• linda and her doctor visit
• why is work so much harder this summer/year? [more activities, more high stakes grants, less staff?]
• how do you do a job for a long time and NOT grow, but be ok with that? like how do you stay still and still be excellent? seems like an oxymoron but help me see that it’s not
• managing contractors [construction and otherwise] is hell
• how do you go up to a certain level and then go back down to something more sustainable
• my eye whyyyy is it hurting
• storytime
• when can i take a vacation longer than 2 days
• what do we do with the dogs if we want to go away, who can we hire, does it even work, will teddy go insane and poop all over the house
• why is some poetry so UGH
• aging
• aging gracefully
• dementia, please don’t let me have it and if i do, please take me to a state where i can end my life humanely
• the universe, the meaning of life, what’s it all about, how do we keep moving forward amidst it all

we started watching the sheep detectives last night and it was honestly just what my stressed brain needed (though we had to stop 41 minutes in because i was falling asleep). gotta work on my sleep again. teddy has been taking up a LOT of room on the bed and it’s not easy. i feel for him because that’s how he lived his life for 10 years and he moves here and he has to sleep on the ground, i don’t think so? but also maybe i think so. ok off to do baby pilates.