why not trust that almost everyone, even in his own house, is a troubled guest?

a real weekend

first of all, i love weekends. also honestly i’d be 100% content to just chill all the time, i know no one believes it but it’s real. second, i am finishing watching true detective season 4 and i was kind of vibing on the atmosphere, but this last episode is A BIT HECTIC. also i hate it when everyone is guilty and hiding things and it all just becomes a giant ethical trash can. but anyway, yesterday i stayed in bed ALL DAY and read book lovers (p good for a romance novel? hate to put it that way but you know what i mean) (the beginning was pretty great) AND watched one episode of true detective AND lots of brooklyn 99s AND napped AND watched basketball AND saw no people AND ate an ice cream cone for dinner and basically it was dope. third, i was SO spicy (i.e., GROUCHY, SELF-RIGHTEOUS, ETC) on friday and maybe even thursday and a little bit even today and i apologize to the world.

lavenders

people have their things!

sometimes when i get anxious i like to look at us magazine (lol) (i’m InSAnE) and saw this “headline” about salma hayek. people just have their things! showing off their red things!

lady with black braid

bow tie style inspiration #8091

no guilt (no guilt?)

my uncle visited this week and of course we were talking about my mom and he kept insisting — NO GUILT. which was comforting, but you know, i mean, of course, i’m wracked with guilt and worry and endlessly stressing if i’m doing the right thing, being the best daughter, being loving enough, putting her in the right spot, making her life as rich as it can be, am i ruining her life, am i making her act out this way. i just talked to her NP who said her fall friday (which merited the ER visit on saturday) left her with a big gash, bruising under the eyes, bruise on her nose (they think she smacked both her forehead and the back of her head in her fall). after hearing that, i understood why they sent her to the ER (i was on the fence).

but i just don’t know — anything? hahaha (sob) — but also she was doing this at her apartment, for sure. drinking and falling. which is why we moved her, even though we played around with the “let the chips fall where they may” theory, but it was so chaotic and intense and causing constant emergencies, and it just wasn’t sustainable. so…we moved her to assisted living. but now she’s doing it at the assisted living, but more intensely, more often? (because she’s more depressed? because she has no hope? because i’ve robbed her of everything she cared about, her dog, her apartment, her friends?) anyway. i don’t know what i’m getting at exactly. i’m looking at that al-anon motto, and trying to remember: “i didn’t cause this, i can’t control it, i can’t cure it,” which does help to say / think about.

hard to do

no news

no real news except a LOT of headaches. but maybe i should think about the good things:

• my churchill orchard tangerines arrived! so tiny, like mice food. would not order again but what a treat for this february, at this moment.
• surprisingly, the we are the world documentary (this article is fun, courtesy of me brother). it reminded me of how obsessed i was with stevie wonder’s “i just called to say i love you” (had the woman in red cassette soundtrack) (even tried to learn the song on my casio) (did not master it)
• two dogs not QUITE cuddling on our couch in the mornings
• pickles, specifically grillo’s pickles
• roasted tomatoes
• three-day weekends, even if i have a grant and a grant report due tuesday
• massage on sunday!
• finally signing up for rolfing!!!! and ordering new bike shorts for the sessions (LOL)
• this look from altuzarra’s fall 2024 show
  

is it ok to drown my sorrows in online shopping

no further questions