no guilt (no guilt?)

my uncle visited this week and of course we were talking about my mom and he kept insisting — NO GUILT. which was comforting, but you know, i mean, of course, i’m wracked with guilt and worry and endlessly stressing if i’m doing the right thing, being the best daughter, being loving enough, putting her in the right spot, making her life as rich as it can be, am i ruining her life, am i making her act out this way. i just talked to her NP who said her fall friday (which merited the ER visit on saturday) left her with a big gash, bruising under the eyes, bruise on her nose (they think she smacked both her forehead and the back of her head in her fall). after hearing that, i understood why they sent her to the ER (i was on the fence).

but i just don’t know — anything? hahaha (sob) — but also she was doing this at her apartment, for sure. drinking and falling. which is why we moved her, even though we played around with the “let the chips fall where they may” theory, but it was so chaotic and intense and causing constant emergencies, and it just wasn’t sustainable. so…we moved her to assisted living. but now she’s doing it at the assisted living, but more intensely, more often? (because she’s more depressed? because she has no hope? because i’ve robbed her of everything she cared about, her dog, her apartment, her friends?) anyway. i don’t know what i’m getting at exactly. i’m looking at that al-anon motto, and trying to remember: “i didn’t cause this, i can’t control it, i can’t cure it,” which does help to say / think about.