this is v good

life is

• have been battling an epic four-day migraine (now calling it a migraine! after looking up types of headaches) (surely i must have done this in the past? though maybe i was scared to say migraine since my vision never gets wonky) (sidenote did you know there’s a sub-genre of headache graphics that are jokes about types of headaches?). ANYWAY. i was trying to go to our nephews’ soccer game this morning but the headache would not quit and i felt woozy so it was back to bed. i’m hoping tonight is the end of the line.
• it’s beautiful out, was throwing the ball with the dogs at sunset, it’s so hard to balance that beauty with everything happening in the world.
• rediscovered this song again.
• just found out that corbin carroll (arizona diamondbacks outfielder) also shares my birthday. can’t say that i’m not taking it as a good sign.

have continued to think about this show

these dresses, wow.

thoughts

• first weekend off in a while and it’s heaven, i stayed in bed till 1pm. tomorrow i have to do laundry and clean A LOT and be a human, but today i woke up, ate some eggs, then fell back asleep while watching loki. i did finally put the sheets on the back bedroom, so it wasn’t a total wasteoid day.
• been watching a lot of baseball and there is so much TRASH on tv. like just straight up TRASH. (using both bold and italic to emphasize my point)
• also — this is a baby thought — but do professional sports loyalties lead us to divisive/nationalist/non-gray thinking? no proof of this obviously. plus, watching pro sports has saved me in many ways, though i’m a fairweather fan and maybe that’s the key?
• in other trash news, i just bought this baby blue eyeliner and bright pink lipstick and i’m feeling great about it (see me once it arrives and i never use it). am i drowning my sorrows in purchasing? YOU BETCHA

one other thought

been watching the second season of loki, and honestly i don’t understand the storyline and only vaguely remember what happened in season 1, but the cast and the production design are SO good that i’m giving it an A+. i even love the title credits!

ps this clip is great, tried to embed but couldn’t (for now).

failing lol

today was a doozy. have never felt so threadbare. really gotta serenity now BIG TIME.

UPDATE: incredibly today was worse!!!! how can it be? every day getting texts, phone calls from mom’s caretakers, trying to keep up with her appointments, her blowing them off or showing up 30 minutes late, getting falling down drunk as soon as my uncle leaves. alcoholism — even on this low-key level (whatever low-key means) is just so bleak. going to my first al-anon meeting thursday (nervous)

UPDATE 2: did not go to the al-anon meeting :/

The heat office wasn’t created to maintain the status quo.

I loved this Daily interview with Dave Hondula, the Director of Heat Response and Mitigation for the city of Phoenix, “the country’s first publicly funded office in city government working on heat”:

Barbaro: …All of which is to say that being the Chief Heat Officer at a place like Phoenix means coming up with great ideas and realizing that they’re very hard to pull off within the bureaucracy, and rules, and realities of a city government.

Hondula: And I would argue it means being a little persistent and being willing to try to ruffle some feathers a little bit, but through those experiences, we’ve generated a little saying among our team. The heat office wasn’t created to maintain the status quo. So all of those rules, processes, institutional memories that you referenced, in some cases I see it as our job to try to shake those up a little bit…

The Man Trying to Save Phoenix From Historic Heat

but — the good things

• three little dogs
• marfa sunset
• wonderful friends (the best really, everyone says that, but REALLY)
• great siblings
• having a cozy (messy) house
• having a laundry machine
• having water
• safety
• dreaming about taking the orient express — SOMETIME!
• all the kids at the bike party and all the kids playing soccer
• maybe getting up early tomorrow and getting a coffee pre-work
• finishing that book severance, actually a bit devastating and haunting!
• the astros playing tonight
• finally switching over to gmail lol? not sold yet but feel slightly less like an ancient person when giving my email address to others

we all know that we’re terminal

trying to remember this perspective from psychedelics researcher Roland Griffiths, who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer:

I want everyone to appreciate the joy and wonder of every single moment of their lives. There is a reason every day to celebrate that we’re alive, that we have another day to explore whatever this gift is of being conscious, of being aware, of being aware that we are aware. That’s to be celebrated!

“A Psychedelics Pioneer Takes the Ultimate Trip” by David Marchese

also this: “‘We all know that we’re terminal,’ says Griffiths … ‘So I believe that in principle we shouldn’t need this Stage 4 cancer diagnosis to awaken. I’m excited to communicate, to shake the bars and tell people, ‘Come on, let’s wake up!’ ‘

let go and let G

trying to embrace this motto but man. i have a lot empathy for my mom and her situation but she definitely isn’t interested in just letting me take the wheel. or IS, but also isn’t. very comfortable with me doing everything but then stepping in and protesting / canceling / changing plans. there are so many things to manage (her appointments, her meds, her caretakers, her doctors, her future living situation) and it is giving me a heart attack. ross says not to call her so much and maybe that is the answer?