nothing is promised

more from roxane gay (bolding my own):

The psychic encounter was fascinating, affirming. She told me to basically stay the course I am on, which I was already going to do, but she had lots of smart, wise advice and showed me some things I do that I should stop doing because they are futile. This is all sort of vague but regardless, I tried something new. It was interesting. Nothing is promised, no matter what spirituality you believe in. I guess that’s how faith works. You believe despite every reason you shouldn’t. You believe even when it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. You believe because you want to. You make that choice. I am finally starting to understand faith after so many years of having none.

i had a phone call with a shaman last night (!!!!!) — i’m a hippie, i guess. or at least someone who is searching. it was cool and intense and she said that i had a big BITE taken out of “my book of life” two years ago (!) (truly, i is a hippie). but it’s true. something happened to me two years ago — all the confidence leeched out of me (or maybe was eaten in a big hulking bite) (maybe it was this moment? or this one?). i feel so much less brave. but i’m going to change that.

also i’m thinking about this notion of faith — “you believe because you want to. You make that choice” — in regard to ross and our relationship. there are many reasons why ross and i shouldn’t work (he thrives in marfa; i am struggling; he is an extrovert; i am a deep introvert [a new development?]), but deep in my bones i feel a real serious great joyful communion with him. so i guess i am making that choice to just believe in that, despite the complications (and stresses) on the surface, “despite every reason you shouldn’t.”