steel girder

Posted: October 28th, 2010 | No Comments »

woke up to the new pornographers song “challengers,” which
is such a sad song and made me lie there in the dark and listen to
the words (whatever the mess you are, you’re
mine
), while my mind raced in the background. racing
mind was all because i talked to crush #2 for an hour last night
(!) and did some things i’m not proud of during the conversation
(briefly mentioned two exes; and that i’d run into this guy LATE
one night and he wanted to see my house and ended up coming over
for a second). i know those things are harmless-ish on paper, but
it reflects a growing intimacy AND my desire to appear “worthy”
(i.e., desired by other men) (a bad habit of mine, which comes out
when i feel insecure). and then right after i got off the phone, i
got an email from alexa about her life and hazel and my psychic
ability and how she’d finally met brendan, who i never think about
anymore, because you have to let old crushes live their lives and
be happy and just give those things up, because crushes are fantasy
land, and your real life is where you are. which all made me
terribly emo, so i had to listen to the new year’s “folios” on
repeat for awhile:

i don’t think the good years i’ve got can wait so what are we staying
for so what are we staying for

so crush #2: what to do? how do i scale it back? despite my best efforts, i’m sort of
too open to him. just an exposed nerve ready for pinching. i want
to have open eyes and an open heart and risk the shiz out of shiz,
which is why i fundamentally feel maybe crush #2 is the wrong guy
for me. because he’s so guarded. he texts me every day, but
somewhat ordinary things about his lunch, or things like  “ur
nice.” last night he closed the call by saying he was sending me a
cheek kiss across the distance. very sweet, but…not exactly a
raging river of passion.

UR
NICE. UR NICE. UR NICE. UR NICE.

maybe it’s fine. maybe
it’s amazing. but i need some distance. so my new rules:

  1. build steel girder around my heart.
  2. no more late-night phone calls.(<– ed.
    note: already failed.)
  3. no more
    texting during the day. (<– ed. note: also
    failed.)


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