a new day

i had a big dumb argument with ross on thursday night, where i suggested we break up, even though i’m completely in love with him, but i’m so fundamentally scared and insecure that i panic whenever there’s a little divide. we talked it out but it left me feeling sad about the state of ME and my flaws (too sensitive, insecure, no faith), and i made a committment to talk to that therapist again, even though it’s too expensive, and also made some resolutions (settle down, have faith, no more breakup talk, go easy on myself), and decided i needed a soul/mind cleansing exercise, so i woke up yesterday at 5:30 am to do leg exercises and then walk to the highest point in town (not that high) (10% incline for 5 minutes) to watch the sunrise. possibly the first time i think i’ve intentionally watched a sunrise? had to heft myself up a wall for the best view, which made me feel very exxxtreme, and when a middle-aged mom lady walked by and said, “how did you get up there?!,” i was like, I AM TOTALLY EXTREME.

i expected the sunrise to be like angels singing, like the world cracking open, which is not really how it was. it was much more mild and gentle. in the best possible way.