been going down email memory lane

maybe it’s because i’m in houston but i’ve been going down the email search rabbit hole and GUYS i was a total idiot about all things for so long and probably still am partially an idiot (the human condition?).  i was reading about some of my romances in portland (romances being extremely loose for “some text exchanges” or “one night makeouts” or “misguided flirtations” or “7-month relationships that meant literally nothing and had literally zero communion”) and just like, OH MY LORD GIRL. the blandness i put up with. how much i squished down. how FRETFUL i was about everything. how little i revealed of my true self in an effort to have a connection. replying to lame text messages, worrying about texts, always giving someone the benefit of the doubt, when they never even deserved it, when they didn’t even give one real care. i am glad that i recorded all of it, in a way, because i want to tell girls these days: PUT UP WITH NOTHING! ASK FOR EVERYTHING! DON’T BE SHY AND DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. LONELINESS MAY NOT EVEN BE A THING, IF YOU HAVE GREAT FRIENDS.

if i had to make a break up painting, i would have one that says “i feel like your kindness comes through a filter.” (actually said to me, by this guy! who blew me off on multiple occasions! like please come on wth you are kidding right)