the past / the future

Posted: January 30th, 2016 | No Comments »

accidentally went down an email rabbit hole (one of my favorite kind of holes, if i’m being honest), looking for info about octavia butler (i read one of her books in a college class, “Gender, Sexuality, and Migration,” and images from it are burned into my brain — think it was dawn, but i can’t totally remember) (makes you think the images were perhaps not literally BURNED into my brain) (FACT: brains lose cells) (FACT: brains stop remembering things) (FACT: brains might never have remembered anything actually). TO WIT: this story from when i was living in san francisco in 2006 working for yahoo! —  very strange time of my life and one that i associate mostly with disappointment / sadness but actually there were many sweet spots, like this one that i wrote to chad:

– saturday night, i finished munich! which i rate with a netflix 4-star rating! i really liked it and in fact thought to myself, “this is the best movie steven spielberg has ever made” but then there was a real cheeser part at the end, so i had to mentally retract it. after finishing it, i went ALONE to a music/dance party my friend evans was involved in. took the bus ALONE at 11:30pm. i was like this: i dinna wanna go. but i forced myself, because chad, check it, this chick does not want to die alone.

i got there, saw evans for 0.5 seconds, and then was alone. knew no one. so i watched a band for awhile, then went into the hip-hop dj room and tried dancing, but dancing alone to hip-hop…a little awkward. please picture that. i’m picturing it again in my mind. awkward. i was like, “my life is really, really weird.” just as i was like, ENOUGH! some of my friends arrived. so happy. then i met one of their friends, and he did this weird double-take, and was like, “i’m sorry, but i’m a little bit in love with you right now.”

i was like, thanks, you are awes. my ego really really really really really really needed to hear that.

then i went and danced and didn’t see him again. but i want him to know that he TOTALLY made the dancing alone in the hip-hop room worth it. he really did.

humble brag apologies, but also let’s be real, there’s no glamour in taking the bus alone at 11:30pm to a venue and dancing alone to hip-hop. or actually is it slightly madonna-in-nyc-in-the-early-80s. but back to octavia butler. read dawn, it will blow your mind. it basically presaged all transgender / the gender neutral future, in the form of sci-fi (if i’m remembering the right book). also shout out to munich, i forgot how much i loved that movie, minus the terrible magical sex scene at the end.


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