couldn’t sleep

Posted: November 17th, 2019 | No Comments »

woke up at 4am and got up because my heart was racing and none of my sleep meditations could soothe me. been having terrible social anxiety lately, which has put a strain on everything. ross and i have a fundamentally different perspective on marfa — he believes the success or failure of navigating it isn’t merely about personal preference for small towns or big, it’s whether you can truly be part of a community and embrace its weaknesses and strengths and live in that imperfection and ultimately see it as beautiful. i see his point, and i’ve really tried, and sometimes it works, when i just focus on work and studying, and limit my interactions to that. but then going out becomes more fraught and everyone asks ross where i am and i get this reputation as a hermit and an introvert, which i guess honestly is true these days, but it doesn’t feel like the “real” me (whatever that is), because i still love scrappy rock & roll and trying new things and exploring and having friends and being part of things. i think the problem is that i like to select my experiences instead of constantly field unchosen ones (at the store, at an event, at the PO, on the street, etc.), and for ross, that preference reads as something of a failure. and maybe it is. at any rate. clearly i need a poem for this. 

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