listening to camelot

got my covid booster (pfizer this time) (ZZZZZZ who talks about covid booster brands) so feeling a little ragged. plus everything going on with my mom just adds a layer of frozenness. i can’t cry about it, even though i have this dead weight inside. every time i think it’s “better,” it turns out she’s drinking even more and withholding information (i.e., driving when she’s not supposed to). her caretaker sent me a photo of her sitting on the couch the other night, with a bottle of wine, stooped over, half sleeping. that’s how she spends every night, even when i’m there. who is she? has she always been this person? did i do this to her, by taking teddy? is my approach what’s driving her away? but doesn’t everyone have a responsibility to their own life? it’s just surreal to see her so disconnected from everything, even me. is it alcoholism, is it dementia, is it depression? is she trying to drink herself to death, without saying it (or understanding it)? i just wish she could find some peace, somehow.