but — the good things

• three little dogs
• marfa sunset
• wonderful friends (the best really, everyone says that, but REALLY)
• great siblings
• having a cozy (messy) house
• having a laundry machine
• having water
• safety
• dreaming about taking the orient express — SOMETIME!
• all the kids at the bike party and all the kids playing soccer
• maybe getting up early tomorrow and getting a coffee pre-work
• finishing that book severance, actually a bit devastating and haunting!
• the astros playing tonight
• finally switching over to gmail lol? not sold yet but feel slightly less like an ancient person when giving my email address to others

we all know that we’re terminal

trying to remember this perspective from psychedelics researcher Roland Griffiths, who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer:

I want everyone to appreciate the joy and wonder of every single moment of their lives. There is a reason every day to celebrate that we’re alive, that we have another day to explore whatever this gift is of being conscious, of being aware, of being aware that we are aware. That’s to be celebrated!

“A Psychedelics Pioneer Takes the Ultimate Trip” by David Marchese

also this: “‘We all know that we’re terminal,’ says Griffiths … ‘So I believe that in principle we shouldn’t need this Stage 4 cancer diagnosis to awaken. I’m excited to communicate, to shake the bars and tell people, ‘Come on, let’s wake up!’ ‘

let go and let G

trying to embrace this motto but man. i have a lot empathy for my mom and her situation but she definitely isn’t interested in just letting me take the wheel. or IS, but also isn’t. very comfortable with me doing everything but then stepping in and protesting / canceling / changing plans. there are so many things to manage (her appointments, her meds, her caretakers, her doctors, her future living situation) and it is giving me a heart attack. ross says not to call her so much and maybe that is the answer?

am drawn to this

that’s me, again

loved this interview with martin scorsese in GQ:

I’d mumbled some questions about how he [Scorsese] might yet use his time. Make one last great thing? Get right with God? But what Scorsese said was, basically, there is no resolution. There is just, well—you. “I don’t think it’s a matter of one last great thing,” he told me. “It’s a matter of continuing, exploring. Getting right with God, that’s always the case. You’re in the process of it. It becomes more evident as you age that you may not have the time. So it is a matter of dealing with that aspect of it every day. It’s who you’re dealing with, how you’re dealing with them, the best way you can. When you say, ‘Get right with God,’ do you think it’s a matter of learning the mystery of life? I don’t see how you can get the answer to this. You’re not going to get any. Is it a matter of expiration of guilt? Probably won’t happen. But that doesn’t matter because it’s who you are anyway. You’ve got to learn to live with it. And so the thing is, when it hits you, to say: ‘That’s me again. That’s that ache again right over here. All right, let’s move on. Oh, he hit me in the head here, didn’t he? Oh goodness. All right, let’s do it. Oh, there’s that same old problem you had 50 years ago. It’s coming back up.’ ”

“Martin Scorsese: “I Have To Find Out Who The Hell I Am.” by Zach Baron

another perfect vanity plate

this and that

today is my last day in houston for at least a week (or so i hope, who can count on anything these days). i lost my computer charger in all the back and forths from hospitals to homes to hospitals so hence the silence. the only good thing about this journey was getting to spend time with dad and linda and braxton, i never lived with them growing up and it’s been so nourishing and comforting. like a real family. also i drank a smoothie EVERY day, which has been a great pleasure, though sadly i think i may have burned myself out for awhile. i still will be getting one today (and tomorrow). nutrition is REAL.

in depressing news, when leaving the hospital last week, i saw this in the hospital parking garage and could not have been more shook. who would do such a thing to someone visiting the hospital? how does one do such a thing in the middle of a crowded lot? i had to take multiple photos because i was in disbelief. the lug nuts strewn about. the longhorn alumni status. the regular-ness of the car. the rocks thrown under. what a world.

something about this news bit made me feel hopeful

bring back sails!!!!

ruth asawa

houston does halloween right