tentative

my aunt, who helped with mom’s move last week, and was so amazing, told me that i was “so tentative” with everything (“like waiting for people to get out of the elevator”). i didn’t LOVE the feedback tbh and was not necessarily LOOKING for feedback at the end of a couple of grueling days and honestly i was waiting to exit the elevator behind more feeble people (IN MY DEFENSE), but — i do believe in paying attention to feedback. so it did make me think…have i turned into a tentative person? i’m definitely not a bust in and boss everyone but…but maybe that reads as tentative (weak)? anyway another stupid thing to worry about / think about.

20 good things

last week was murder extreme and every day holds new stress (distraught texts from mom: “i’ve got to get out of here”; “if you and ross could get me to a hotel on Friday I will figure out something”) and literally dreading returning next week but let’s focus on some of the good things.

1. the four seasons houston — too expensive but also SO AMAZING. it was elegant and the bed was incredible and downtown felt like a haven and we got to drive along memorial to get places and — no regrets.
2. chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips, made special by linda for me
3. the cheese danishes (!) at the four seasons coffee shop (“bayou & bean”) (🤔)
4. the mint & strawberry water the hotel provided every evening
5. brooklyn 99
6. andre braugher
7. finally getting my hair cut on friday (even though ross told me to cancel, after a year of canceling my appointments, and hair that gets disparaging comments from aunts/mothers — THERE IS LITERALLY NO WAY I WILL BE CANCELING THIS APPOINTMENT)
8. the plaza hotel in el paso
9. eating pancakes at le peep with my mom and aunt
10. watching john early’s special
11. having our little wooden menorah at the library
12. buying my black mesh tank top
13. my rockets christmas sweater
14. ross being patient
15. all the christmas ornaments i got for people
16. opening all the boxes of stuff that i ordered for people and trying to remember what i bought and it was kinda like opening my own presents
17. my new ruffly socks
18. these little dogs
19. having enough money to make this easier
20. having kind friends and family

Dear Toffee Lover

update

i was thinking about how we could avoid this aging nightmare, and had a dark thought — forced euthanasia? i know it’s terribly dark and dystopian but like — if — maybe starting at 76? you weren’t hitting certain benchmarks? ok ok it sounds too dark and fascist and etc etc but — there has to be a better way. OR MAYBE THERE IS NO BETTER WAY AND THAT IS THE HORROR OF MODERN LIFE (ALL LIFE)

a sad truth

everyone knows that i’m going through this wretched period (depressing), and one of our patrons said today, well, everyone goes through it (true/depressing). but can’t we change how the world operates so this isn’t the norm for everyone? i am honestly torn to shreds every day and everyone goes through this? it’s not right! can’t we make this better? independence is such total bullshit. again i wonder — what does the universe want? and then think — it doesn’t want anything! it just wants us all to go through this horrible hell — for what?? FOR NOTHING

things i accomplished this weekend (not much)

• texted with caretakers and doctors
• agonized
• gave myself stress headaches
• watched may december, though interrupted by urgent mom falling texts
• got my phone’s internet tabs down to 17!!!!!! HUGE (was at 61)
• watched a lot of brooklyn 99 [television valium]
• finished assisted living’s 78-page intake forms
• ETC

what does god want

was walking today and thinking about the sad trajectory of my mom’s life and this especially fragile time and i just wondered, what does god want? (but what is god) (perhaps better question — what does universe want? but then, right, a universe can’t want anything, so then it’s back to zero and there is no god and no divine anything and dumb welcome to philosophy 101 grapplings). anyway, but still — just to follow this a little ways — does it want us to live perfect lives and not drink and stay healthy and help our communities until we die in a natural way? but what is natural. is there a prescribed way of living that might help avoid pain and spread goodness? ARE THERE ANY ANSWERS ANYWHERE.

its abuses, voluptuous folds, and unfulfilled lives

one more tidbit from photographer larry fink’s obituary:

Mr. Fink was a Brooklyn-born lefty whose early work, in the late 1950s, chronicled the second-generation Beats who were his cohort in the East Village, where he lived for a time, along with the jazz musicians he adored (he played the harmonica) and the protagonists of the civil rights and antiwar movements.

But in the early 1970s he turned to overt social commentary, infiltrating the society benefits, debutante parties and watering holes of Manhattan’s privileged tribes and their hangers-on. He was fueled, he once wrote, both by curiosity and by his own rage at the privileged class — “its abuses, voluptuous folds, and unfulfilled lives.”

all of a sudden we were boiling away

reading the obituary for photographer larry fink (brother to lawyer elizabeth fink), which led me to an incredible article about his marriage to artist martha posner:

Six months after they met, she moved onto his farm, not certain how things would work out. ”It wasn’t love at first sight,” she said. ”It wasn’t even a slow burn. It was just a simmer, and then all of a sudden we were boiling away.”

Now they can often be found soaking in their hot tub, planting flower gardens, looking at each other’s work, dancing on the porch or arguing. Mr. Fink, who has been divorced twice, describes their relationship as ”contentious but harmonic.” [ED NOTE: lol / relate]

For their contentious periods, he built her a cabin. ”I have my own little house here, which is always good for relationships,” Ms. Posner said. ”Sometimes, I just need to chill and dance around to Santana.”

loves/dislikes (the boring edition)

LOVES

• shallots
• pavlova, the best dessert of all time forever

DISLIKES

• wet cuffs (like when you’re washing your face and wearing a long sleeve shirt and the water drips into your cuff) (this sounds much too specific now that i’m saying it out loud)

last night i had to stay at work late-ish and do some stuff cuz my brain is like — in the clouds (but not in a fun way) — but then i read about this recipe and decided to make it once i got home, which was majorly ambitious and very unlike me. what other boring stuff can i tell you. A LOT!!!! STAY TUNED!!!!