buoyancy

ok we’re back to twin peaks despite my terror nightmares and are now watching twin peaks the return (2017), which is also terrifying and grisly, but incredible. it reunites most of the original cast 25 years after season two, and it’s thrilling to see characters age in that way (it reminds me of our mission impossible marathon, where you saw the effects of aging on the cast, especially on tom) (and ethan!).

but one thing i noticed — particularly when david duchovny’s character denise reappears — she’s still great, but she’s definitely lost some of her (youthful?) ebullience from the original. maybe that’s the real difference between old and young — that buoyancy? that…sense of…possibility? i know that sounds so dreary and maybe it was just duchovny’s performance (it wasn’t), but it really felt like — that might be it — just the weight of responsibilities can dim you down a little bit.

this also got me

or you can

interview with actress grace zabriskie, who played sarah palmer on twin peaks (and lost both of her adult daughters to cancer) (ok maybe a strange person to be quoting, but she’s on me mind due to our twin peaks marathon) (which I had to pause because of nightmares):

You can make your life an absolute bummer out of the inevitability of death. Or you can decide to absorb this blow and figure out a way to exist with as much energy and creativity and lack of fear as you can.

death etc lol

read this article this morning — “a cancer patient chose assisted death. that wasn’t the last hard choice.” — and it made me cry for a lot of reasons. i’m obviously reflecting on mom’s last years and what could have improved them and how she ended her last days (palliative care/hospice was amazing and yet still she seemed to suffer). have been thinking so much about death and the afterlife and religion and the meaning of it all.

been talking to my therapist about it, and he seems to believe in reincarnation (maybe i do, too? i just can’t believe in nothingness), and asked what he thought my mom needed to learn from her struggles, and what *i* needed to learn from my experience with her. i don’t know. how important friends and family are? suzy suggested how important filling my cup is…but…is that my lesson?

one of the writer’s comments hit home, “I have seen, reporting this series, that just as you say, in the months and years after a difficult death many people start to question what a ‘regular’ death looks like in their community.” i’m scared that there is no “regular” (i.e., non-stressful?) death.

this is really it

from ryan dowd:

It is easy to answer the question of what to do with “people who chose” homelessness.

There is a far harder (and far more important) question: “What do we do about people who struggle with profound mental health challenges?”

For several decades the answer has been “Ignore them and hope they go away.”

For reasons a five-year-old could figure out, that answer hasn’t worked very well.

Many countries are being forced to revisit the question.

Our answer to that question will impact everyone.

Obviously, people who are homeless will be impacted the most.

A brutal, Darwinist, everyone-for-themselves answer will erode our collective morality.

That will damage everyone.

I don’t think that is being overly dramatic.

How a community treats its most vulnerable has always been the clearest litmus test for morality.

cute pair

good lines

YOU ABSOLUTE HOBAG

in no particular order, the best of our California trip, July 2025, which was 100% perfect fantastic:

• the unknowable fathomless ocean
• fig leaf latte at quail and condor (and pictured croissant was a tomato chocolate croissant?! i wasn’t that into it but i’m all about the croissant exploration)
• gray skies
• remembering to use “best bakery in ______” to guide exploration
• chez panisse dinner extra awesome and charming, tomatoes and champagne and peaches, plus associated memories of past meals in other lives
• beautiful peaches
• beautiful strawberries
• beautiful tomatoes
• emily, a magical person giving magic to so so many
• best friends
• eating pancakes with best friends
• finally dancing to “levitating”
• manicure!!!!
• charming Berkeley
• sea ranch lodge — sitting in the window seat and watching the water — so beautiful
• the tile and low light in the sea ranch lodge bathroom
• skipping rocks at the Gualala River
• seeing alex and hazel after so so many years
• mary sue and bob’s sweet lil three-legged dog, pancho
• ross saying he had “the best avocado toast ever” at farley’s in the oakland airport — could it possibly be true?
• detouring to valley, emma’s restaurant in Sonoma, just on a wild proud-person whim, ross getting a bagel plate, me getting flowers and a pastry, and emma’s hilarious response to us coming to valley but not letting her know (“YOU ABSOLUTE HOBAG”) — perfection
• not throwing up on the plane!!!!

what a month

good things:

• tomato sandwiches
• the smell of lilies
• friends, family
• disneyworld with the littles
• california anticipation — wasn’t sure i’d be able to make it but just thinking about seeing friends and family and staying at the sea ranch lodge and going to eat at chez panisse has given me a great boost
• thinking about hybrid lexuses lol
• summer reading ending august 9, praise be, then can i rest?

not great things

• throwing up ON the plane, in ross’s tote bag
• throwing up IN the airport, in a busy corridor — possibly my lowest health moment?
• throwing up a million more times (but at least in a hotel room)

good pink