this got me

patronsaintofweepingmothers:

2009

(via cordjefferson)

(via laura olin)

leaving on a jet plane

pretty low

haha not exactly thriving right now — had HUGE fight with ross today, lotta anxiety about mom stuff (both her life and the logistics of shutting down a life), on top of extreme work overload because of summer, while also trying to understand life and death and what it all means — we just live and feel sad and then die? it just can’t be (or can it). but while talking to my uncle today, he said the kindest thing to me — “you’re not alone in this.” it sounds so simple but it was so bolstering.

found in mom’s papers 😭

my advice in this moment

how I am feeling right now — always be patient and gentle and kind with anyone you care about — with everyone actually? — and always treat your last words like they really are the last. last time mom and I talked was Friday morning — we were going over her day’s schedule. it was so short, she was cheerful. But I was at work and what did I even say that was loving. Can’t remember. Why couldn’t I take the time, I wonder.

things that are giving me comfort

• all the best friends, plus all the nice people and family writing texts (though it’s what makes me cry) (also seeing mom’s little things)
• inside the nba clips
• watching basketball
• walks in houston
• Houston itself
• my dad and stepmom

on the walk to the hospice

(is that a baby flying in the air?!)

too much kindness

overwhelmed by kindness from everyone. we got mom moved to hospice last night, and it’s infinite better than the hospital. so much more peaceful. they gave her a bath as soon as we got here, which was such a kindness (i sort of feel like hospitals should be like hospice but i know it’s not realistic). i’m sitting with mom now, playing willie nelson, and i put some lavender balm on her feet. teddy came to visit and barked a bunch, so it was just like old times.

my mood

good things

hard stuff these days, but bright spots: having enough money; my kind friends; people’s kindness making me cry; walking in Houston; eating carrabas takeout and watching the beautiful PERFECT DAYS last night with my dad, stepmom, and brother (btw it stars the amazing Kōji Yakusho, who was in THE EEL, a movie I loved when I saw it in 1997 [at the four star?] — just watched the trailer, and it looks so intense now, but maybe it’s my birthday film this year).