ok so a little stressed

having trouble balancing the beauty in the world and all the sadness, feel like I see it all up close at the library, all the suffering (and yes, all the kindness, too), but everyone is going through it, i don’t know how the universe can hold it all. had to cry and listen to music last night cuz it was just all too much. BUT amid all the stress with mom (shattered shoulder, MIA care at her assisted living, fraud on her credit card, trying to schedule surgery/care/finish her taxes), somehow this week I haven’t had a headache!!!! I’m chalking it up to:

• *a lot* of pasta for lunch, like, A LOT
• my semi-gross, but protein-rich smoothies — for some reason I can’t get the flavors right but I honestly don’t care too much, they’re merely a means to end
• reintroduction of electrolyte water powder
• return to vitamins!!!! Ugh I hate taking them to be honest
• yin yoga? (tho skipped today so we’ll see if I get a headache today)
• (intentionally left in) acupuncture needles in my calves?!??

ross thinks my headaches are from HUNGER, lol, don’t think so but the pasta is really helping, so it’s confusing. ok ok more nonsense coming soon, mostly about the myth of sisyphus.

interests

• pull-on pants
• humidity

Siri play

…“relaxing guitar music”

(aka vibes at mother’s cafe circa 1996-2003)

the best song ever?

good things

• ice cream sandwiches
• not going to any events and finally watching ex machina and eating a whole avocado, half a cucumber, and tomato toast for dinner (plus two ice cream courses) (ahem)
• ordering popcorn from here ~on a whim~ “for fun”
• ordering new jeans!
• cleaning up the house a little bit
• this detail about composer jerome kern from wikipedia/the guide to musical theatre:
  “he [kern’s father] insisted the 16-year-old [jerome] join him in his retail business. There an obedient Jerome might have remained, had he not spectacularly flunked one of his first tasks – the purchase of two pianos from a factory for the store. Over a long and drunken lunch with the factory owner, he somehow managed to sign an order for 200! In later years, Kern often dined out on this story: ‘You’ve no idea what that many pianos coming off a truck look like!’ he quipped.” 200 pianos! instead of 2!
• 200 pianos!!!!

damn it’s real

been working at the library four years now and giving my 1000% and just realizing the mayor does not give one damn STILL, after all that. (all what? all the hours and stress and projects and creativity and etc etc?) have been protected by our city manager, which i sorta knew, but not to what extent. BIG EXTENT! he just does not care about the library, would be fine seeing it gone. another reason to scram (or is it another reason to stay?) — but just — it’s demoralizing (or is it a secret victory, keeping it going, despite opposition!). still feel like an outsider after 14 years. which i think is just such baloney! (but is it?) the concept of home, being from here, being an outsider, i GET it but also is it bullshit. (so says the interloper.)

dudders

oh man i decided to make this recipe tonight (INEXPLICABLE) but i guess my mind was too distracted because i first put in ALL of the melted butter (rather than reserving 1/4 cup), which i didn’t realize until way too late, and then i added the flour instead of the sour cream (LOL) so had to try and grab it out? (fail) and then i forgot the nutmeg and long story long it was a disaster. also the sad truth is that i’m really not that good of a baker anymore! which is fine. it just seems like my brain is too fried, body is too tired, etc etc you get the picture

just jammin

BEST FRIEND JAMMIN

my sentiments exactly

from chloe sevigny’s p. great interview in the cut (might need to start using the word “intolerable” more):

feeling this