listening to camelot

got my covid booster (pfizer this time) (ZZZZZZ who talks about covid booster brands) so feeling a little ragged. plus everything going on with my mom just adds a layer of frozenness. i can’t cry about it, even though i have this dead weight inside. every time i think it’s “better,” it turns out she’s drinking even more and withholding information (i.e., driving when she’s not supposed to). her caretaker sent me a photo of her sitting on the couch the other night, with a bottle of wine, stooped over, half sleeping. that’s how she spends every night, even when i’m there. who is she? has she always been this person? did i do this to her, by taking teddy? is my approach what’s driving her away? but doesn’t everyone have a responsibility to their own life? it’s just surreal to see her so disconnected from everything, even me. is it alcoholism, is it dementia, is it depression? is she trying to drink herself to death, without saying it (or understanding it)? i just wish she could find some peace, somehow.

leon

good things #25678

• baking soda to clean things
• finally cleaning toilets
• heaters
• heating pads
• vacation days
• friendsgiving!
• making not-good new recipes for friendsgiving, but still — a satisfying endeavor
• rewatching elf
• making hard plans (not really a good thing but making plans does help)
• finally getting the covid booster
• leon berkowitz’s beautiful paintings
• picking up american prometheus again

rejuvenation

turn heads. fill plates.

ok so what the actual hell! a couple of things:

• loki was dumb (i did think owen wilson was good, but the story was just absolute nonsense)
• i somehow fell for these doritos minis — but they are just like broken tiny chips in a pringles can!!!
• while i was in austin, i got this wild massage where they used their FEET. !!!!!! i thought “they”
  were her hands: NO. THEY WERE HER FEET (AND HER HANDS). anyway, it was kind of painful and energizing, rate it “worthwhile.”
• went to austin this past weekend and got to see some absolute besties and hang with my wild adorable niece and nephew and ALSO kind of lose my cool a couple times from stress and speak in terse tones (can i blame background mom hospital stress for my unhinged behavior) (YES)
• all respect to parents, that’s a job that doesn’t quit
• also we went to the austin aquarium, which was chilling and definitely violating all kinds of animal cruelty rules. strongly do not recommend. (for example, there was a giant loose turtle in a dark corner? and it had no information, and the kids were like, is it real? and i was like, uhhh i don’t know, let’s leave it alone, and this chipper mom and kid near us were like, it IS real! it’s usually wearing a balloon that says, “I’m real!”)
• going to my first (online) al-anon meeting today, i’m scared, but it’s necessary
• this baskin robbins ad gets an A+

talk about a nightmare

been listening to mary beard’s the fires of vesuvius and the cover keeps catching me off guard.

this is v good

life is

• have been battling an epic four-day migraine (now calling it a migraine! after looking up types of headaches) (surely i must have done this in the past? though maybe i was scared to say migraine since my vision never gets wonky) (sidenote did you know there’s a sub-genre of headache graphics that are jokes about types of headaches?). ANYWAY. i was trying to go to our nephews’ soccer game this morning but the headache would not quit and i felt woozy so it was back to bed. i’m hoping tonight is the end of the line.
• it’s beautiful out, was throwing the ball with the dogs at sunset, it’s so hard to balance that beauty with everything happening in the world.
• rediscovered this song again.
• just found out that corbin carroll (arizona diamondbacks outfielder) also shares my birthday. can’t say that i’m not taking it as a good sign.

have continued to think about this show

these dresses, wow.

thoughts

• first weekend off in a while and it’s heaven, i stayed in bed till 1pm. tomorrow i have to do laundry and clean A LOT and be a human, but today i woke up, ate some eggs, then fell back asleep while watching loki. i did finally put the sheets on the back bedroom, so it wasn’t a total wasteoid day.
• been watching a lot of baseball and there is so much TRASH on tv. like just straight up TRASH. (using both bold and italic to emphasize my point)
• also — this is a baby thought — but do professional sports loyalties lead us to divisive/nationalist/non-gray thinking? no proof of this obviously. plus, watching pro sports has saved me in many ways, though i’m a fairweather fan and maybe that’s the key?
• in other trash news, i just bought this baby blue eyeliner and bright pink lipstick and i’m feeling great about it (see me once it arrives and i never use it). am i drowning my sorrows in purchasing? YOU BETCHA