hard to hold

dude, i was looking at instagram and got sucked into looking at someone’s profile (this is why i don’t have my own personal account, because it would always send me, in a bad way) and saw that there was this beautiful going away party for someone, who i only know tangentially, and ALL these people were there, and while i didn’t feel excluded, it did make me feel…hidden. which i am (by choice??? by energy limits choice????) but when did i stop wanting to reach out? when did i start hiding? the thing is — i have been through so much in these past few years [ed note: wait, lol, WHAT, i mean in the scheme of things, NO, not exactly, but…in a way?] — quitting ballroom, slogging through grad school, being so broke, hustling, getting a library job during COVID, still going to grad school, knowing nothing, having to prove myself, meanwhile so many friends moving away, so that it was just me and mostly randoms. the past six years have been such a humbling time (see “dreams are not easy”), and it seems to have evaporated all that…curiosity in me? it was DEFINITELY worth it, but it’s also sort of sad. or stupid. both. how does one keep trying, on top of trying so hard with all the other shit? and also when does all the trying get to stop? does that mean we’re dead if we’re not trying all the time? WHATEVER IT’S SO STUPID